Dress code: You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick days: We will no longer accept a Doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday’s and Sunday’s.
Bereavement leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deceased friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “chronic offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a slim fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.