Kissing your way to the top

Regardless of you agreeing with me or not, the fact of the matter is that those who master the corporate ass kissing techniques, climb up the ladder faster. And those who find ass kissing techniques difficult, often will end up on the losing end. Here are some steps in kissing your way to the top. Have fun it. :-)

  • Never talk bad about the current boss to anyone! You never know who’s listening and you never know who will say something.
  • Never, ever confide personal details about yourself to anyone at work. Even the most trusted coworker will turn around and blab his mouth all over the place.
  • Never, ever make friends at work! Once you’ve kissed your way to the top, you may end up having to fire some of these people. It’s a lot less painless if you’ve kept your distance.
  • If your immediate boss is retiring or quitting and you have your eye on his position, find out who’s going to be making the replacement decision.
  • If upper management is happy your boss is leaving, talk to your boss’ boss and kiss his ass.
  • As soon as the decision making person trusts you, you can eliminate any competition by saying things like, “You know, I think so-and-so would be a good manager, but…and I really don’t think I should bring it up…but, I’ve heard him say that if he was promoted, he’s going to start his own business and take our client base with him. But please, keep this between me and you.” Believe me, as long as you can say it with a straight face, so-and-so will be cleaning the corporate toilets the following Monday!
  • Once you’ve gotten your boss’ position, start kissing higher level asses by repeating the steps starting with number 5, in addition to using the advanced ass kissing techniques that follow.
  • Hire yourself a whipping boy; someone who’s young, impressionable and expendable. Tell him crap like, “You can go far in this company. Just follow my lead.” His main function will be to spy on your subordinates, eliminate anyone trying to kiss his way into your position in addition to taking the blame for all of your mistakes.
  • Make yourself look important. Leave instructions before going home to “page me if there’s any problems.” Have your whipping boy start some type of bogus crisis that only you can fix. After coming back to work, have your whipping boy call corporate and inform them that you’ve come back and are handling the problem.If you know a few customers personally, have them write a letter of praise to the company President telling him how you saved the day.
  • Make yourself look good on paper, too. Ask for an increased budget, then lay some dead weight off, order cheaper supplies and replace menial jobs with state-sponsored mentally retarded workers. Then, next quarter brag about how much you came in under budget and how much money you saved the company!

p.s. Attention master ass kissers: feel free to add some of your techniques here. :-))